Continued life story

So at age 4. I found my soul mate Jessica. She is the best friend Jesus could have given me. My parents moved around alot in different houses in the same town so we weren't neighbors for long but I knew without a doubt she'd be with me forever. So 4 became 5,6,7, 8 and I don't have alot of memories from that time frame. Except anger and bitterness and frusteration. My sisters were my worst enemies and my parents did foster care for years and we always had kids coming and going. I felt sad that those kids had no one to love them. I remember thinking I hope they know how much we love them. But part of me wanted them to leave because they were part of why my parents weren't able to see that I was crying out ot them in anger to get them to pay attention to me. I was different. I was a bit slower because of being so sick as a child I was a late bloomer and often got made fun of for it and teased unmerciably for it. I was never allowed to play with my older sister/cousins and younger cousins felt I was to old so often times you would find me curled up under a table with my headphones and a blanket asleep or reading. I spent most of my time in the kitchen with the grown ups often times they didnt' even know I was there unless they looked. If the did I was ordered out. I have terrible memories of being teased by my older boy cousins. Once they held me under water because they knewI  I was afraid and thought it was funny. I am to this day still afraid of bein in the pool with alot of others. I was scared of Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory and the Ompalumpas and one time when all of us cousins were staying at my grammas house the 2 oldest boys waited until I almost asleep and then whispered the song in my ear. And snickering and laughing. I to this day refuse to let that movie in my house nor will I ever watch it. I almost have a panic attack because of it. I have no rememberence of the exact ages of these things except between the ages of 5-9. The hardest thing I have dealt with between these ages is being abused. I was abused by 3 different people in my childhood and I have blocked most of this time frame out I have been to couseling several times and never mentioned the abuse to anyone until 2011. I never got to be the kid I was supposed to be. I know that Jesus will seek justice on those 3 different individuals when their day comes. It's not for me to hold anger and resentment and punishment for any longer. I can not waste another day on them. When I was 12 years old my parents decided to get a seperation, My mom took my 2 baby sisters and moved to Oregon while I stayed with my dad and older sister. I hated being seperated even though I didn't get along with them. Eventually my parents got back together but then got divorced. When I was 15 my entire world collapsed when I got the news that one of my other best freinds I'd known my entire life our moms were pregnant together died in a tragic horse/firetruck accident. I will never forget that pain in my life. I should explain a little of that. Shasta and I were like oil and water but we loved each other deeply. For how often did you know someone your entire life go to the same church and were able to be friends despite constantly fighting, well that's because we were more like sisters then freinds. 3 days before we had gotten in a terrible fight over something that I now can't remember. I came home from school and I said "I wish she would just die, She is pissing me off" We made up and on Febuary 13th, of that year. She asked me to go on a horse ride with her, but I couldn't because my dad needed me to go home early to watch my sisters before basketball practice. I went home only to learn at basketball practice that Shasta had been killed in an accident. I will never get over the guilt I felt. I can't explain the pain, I felt like I died. I felt like I lost a part of me. I greived her death so hard. I don't remember much of the next week except that at the funeral I was unconsolable. I crawled into Jessica's dad's car and left and went to spend that week with her. I don't even remember getting there or being there just the pain and the hurt and crying. I ended up getting sick and had to come home I spent the next at home in my dad's bed crying and the pain never eased. Going to school and seeing my locker covered in her I'll miss you messages would bring me to my knees and knock the wind out of me. I ended up moving away the pain was to deep. I moved to hawaii with my mom. It was on the 1 year anniversary I was laying in my bed sobbing I missed her so much, I heard a noise and I turned around and there she was in al of her angel glory, I was so scared.. She didn't say anything to me. Just gave me a sense of peace that she was ok. I turned around and looked back and she was gone. I thought I was crazy I ran into my mom's room crying I knew I was nuts.  but that wasn't the first or last time I'd seen her. She would visit me in my dreams for years. I don't see her often now. Maybe in my darkest hours, But she is there with me I know it. I just don't need her to guide me as often. Hawaii is my healing place. It helped me heal in many ways. It is where I met Kevin who is still one of my best freinds almost 16 years later, It's where I met the love of my teenage life Al. It's where I gave Al my true virginity. It's where a man gave a gentle peice of himself he'll never admit to to a very scared and abused girl a chance to experience love, lust and sex together. I may have only been 16 but I knew more about sex then I would ever had admitted to because it would have made the abuse all the more real. I lived in hawaii for several years then my mom and her 2nd husband moved us to Montanta where I met the perfect guy, He became someone whom to this day I still admire and hope the best for. Ezra will forever be the healer of a wounded soul, See he was wounded too and together we were able to help heal a peice of each other no one else could but in the mean time we lost who were to each other and after years of freindship parted ways knowing we were both better people for having known each other. Moved back to Oregon in my Senior year of high school, I met many people, I made alot of good decisions and alot of horrible ones. The biggest and harded thing ever was getting over emy Homer (Al) . I cried over him for 2 years. I spent my senior year pining over him but I still had fun and graduated. After that I moved back to hawaii and within a few months I met the man who would change my life forever, freinds who would stand beside me and some who would give me the chance to see them for who they really were. I met Damon,Kit and Jamie. Through Damon I met his 2nd wife Christine. It's where I met Curtis who was my first after hs relationship, Whom through I met the love of my life. Brian. Brian is my kyrpinite. I am his always have been always will be. We can love each other but we are toxic to each other. but he gave me my daughter and I will forever be grateful to him. I also met the more livily fun loving me. I have so many stories between 16 and 19 in hawaii and Oregon I was not to bright sometimes and I the need for love and acceptence for who I was became at times very dangerous. I met several guys on several occasions that could have ended tragically for me. I was date raped at 18 by some idiot I met at a club, I got stranded on base when I was 16 by some other idiot and I got into a car full of black military guys to get off base. Could have been very bad ended up in my favor though, that car full of men knew who the guy was and ended up kicking his butt and then told his commading officer that he was out meeting with 16 year old girls. He got in big trouble and getting the crap beat out of him wasn't fun either.  I had 5 one night stands before I was 19. I was messed up and didn't even know why. Then  on November 5th right after my 19th birthday I realized I fell head over heals in love with Brian. I was dating his best friend Curtis at the time. Curtis and I ended our relationship and I immediately spent the rest of 2 years on adn off due to military and my work as an interpreter for the deaf on a different island with Brian. I would have married that man and spent my life with him. He was everything to me. On Feb 16th we concieved our beautiful daughter, just before he boarded a plane back to his family and I was staying. We decided to end our relationship because we didnt' see a long term long distance relationship working. 2 weeks to the day I called him saying I was pregnant. I know crazy right but I knew then. I was already throwing up and took a test and it said positive. He was excited and I was sick. I lived in hawaii until May then due to money issues I moved to Oregon. Where on November 5th 2002 I gave birth to our daughter Shasta (Dakota). I stayed in Oregon for a short time then moved to hawaii for a bit and then I moved both of us to Texas to be with Brian. In the years all my friends had faded in and out.

I will continue the story another time.. Be blessed and enjoy your life. Seek God first and everyone else 2nd.

Matt Hammitt, Without You, I love this song.