Hmmn.. Thinking complex thoughts this morning.

How is it possible that you take my breath away? It has been 15 years since I've seen you. This morning a picture of you crossed my facebook page and I almost forgot to breath, It's been 5 years since we last spoke. I wish I knew you were ok. I wish I didn't know that the Army had changed you forever. That the person I loved most of my teenage life was still there. We live not even 6 hours from each other. How I would love to see you to spend time with you. To tell you that I pray for you every day. How I made many mistakes one of them being that I let you go that day without telling you no matter how mad we made each other I loved you. You could always count on me. I hope your life has been blessed. I hope you know you are so worth any of your dreams. I will die with the memories and dreams of you. Besides you hold the key to so many things. It's amazing how one person can effect the life of another for all of time. You can be arrogant and rude and evasive but I know that's a front for the man who wants to be loved and to know he is the hero he most definately he is. That day when we raided Fallujah I think my heart broke into a million pieces knowing you where there. I couldn't breath and then when I didn't hear from you for awhile afterwards I prayed and cried that you were ok, The day you called to tell me you were fine. I think I had finally breathed for the first time since that inital attack, When I asked you what kept you from calling you begrudingly admitted to me you had been shot twice, I know my heart fell out of my chest. I cried and you asked me why I was crying and I told you because no matter what life has carved out for us I would ALWAYS care and part of my heart belonged to you. Your brasin attidude towards me and the possiveness then scared me and made me feel both beautiful and it made me feel ugly, I am sorry I said those disrespectful things that day. I am a different person now. I am not the same naive little girl you met all those years ago and spend that sacred night with. I want to see that man who was so gentle and sweet and enduring. Who took a scared abused little girl and treated her with a kindness and gentleness, I wish I could tell you I am sorry I lied to you about why I was crying in that moment, I was not crying because I was scared of you. I was crying because I was so scarred from being abused as a small child and into my childhood you took part of that pain and you healed it. I sometimes wish I could walk into those big strong arms of yours and not take them for granted. You are not perfect but you have your moments of them.

I hope life is treating you fairly and your able to love and be loved. I pray for your son and what a man he must be now. I know that you haven't seen him in many years but I'm sure your so proud of him, I am so proud of you. You did the right thing. Be happy and be blessed. I think I will always think of when I see a picture of you that my heart will stop and it will take my breath away. You are beautiful and your bravery are worn on your face. It's something I hope others see in you too. You will always be my Homer, I miss that.

Process of Grief

I often forget Grief is forever, It comes and goes as it pleases. It doesn't discriminate and it doesn't care. I went to church on Sunday and it was AMAZING!! Man how I miss the worship and fellowship with others even though to be quite honest and frank, I don't know anyone on a name basis. But the connection you feel when you are surround by people who know the truth of Jesus is UNDENIBLE. But I also watched a sermon from my old church in Portland, One of the stories he talked about was when Lazerus dies. How even know Jesus knew he still wept, he was still burdened with the loss of his friend someone he loved and cared emensly for. I thought of that today, as I was watching a show at work while the kids were asleep, I suddenly became stricken, I started bawling for my friend Shasta, She would have turned 30 a couple weeks ago. I sat there with tears staining my cheeks, wondering What she would have looked like, She was so beautiful as a young lady. I am almost certain she would have been stunning. What would she have done with her life. Would she have gone to our friends wedding this coming October and celebrated with us. I felt an overwhelming need to Hug her. I mean reach out and hug her. Tell her I loved her and I miss her everyday. As I sat there feeling lost for awhile, I felt something touch my shoulder, I turned around and there was no one there, but I know it was her telling me she's still there. Even though I havent' needed her for awhile she's still there. I should have felt better, but I have this sense of need for her growing in my depth. So instead I pray to Jesus and ask him to help me loosen the depth of my grief. To greieve with me and to hold me but let me go when the time is right and this feeling of as it just happened passes. It will be 16 years this coming Feb 13th, She will now be gone 1/2 of my life. I forget in the daily rush of life that emotions and traumas are still present. But Jesus holds me so I know not to fear them when they come, He will protect me and he will help me be ABLE to do anything including conquering Grief when it comes and goes.

John 11,12 both chapters talk about Jesus and his compassion and love.

Song is Need To Breathe's ABLE. It's an awesome song. So blessed I loved Needtobreathe they are an amazing band. =)

Have a great Wendnesday May the lord bless you during your day and may you know it is him who helps you and heals you.

Quietness

Most days I love the noise of children  laughing talking playing and just being who they are. The joy that they bring to life. They have a way of getting you to see the world in often times silly, naive playful ways. I love it. I often don't live in that world. I live in a world that is hard harsh and often times disappointing. But then I remember that Jesus saw the joys laughter and love often times the way children do. The simplistity of who we are as humans. I long for days like today when I get to sit in the quietness and do what I can to fill my day with tasks of life that get neglected while I am working long days and spending the rest of the time with my family. The quietness reminds me how peaceful life with Jesus is and how lucky I am while their is a storm brewing outside I can be here safe and warm. I can know that just as I am safe in my house I am safe in Jesus. His arms are like my house solid. It holds away the darkness and uglieness of the world outside. It's a shame we often get sucked up into the constant speed of life and forget to take a day or two to remember the quietness and the softeness it can bring into your hardened days of  fast pace busyness of trying to fullfill dreams and desires. I think if we all remembered to just take a second to breath we might all get the truth of Jesus. How often do any of us really really sit back and fully take in his sacrifices, his pain his hurt his love his generousity his grace. I doubt very many people do. I know when I think of him and all that's he's done for me the love and the anguish in my heart is more then I as a human being can possibly imagine. So I take days like today where I have nothing on tv, music, cell phone and just sit in the quietness of my house doing what I need to do to get things done to make a better home and more peaceful place for us to know we serve Jesus alone. Then that is what I am going to do all day. It will be me closer to who God has called me to be. A follower of Jesus.

Psalms 42, I love this chapter, My pastor from Solid Rock in Oregon is doing his sermons on this chapter right now and it also goes in tow with his first book coming out soon. I am so proud of him and excited for him to be sharing in truth with Jesus and what it was life to be human suffering.

No song today instead listen to the words that he whispers to you in the quietness.

Continued life story

So at age 4. I found my soul mate Jessica. She is the best friend Jesus could have given me. My parents moved around alot in different houses in the same town so we weren't neighbors for long but I knew without a doubt she'd be with me forever. So 4 became 5,6,7, 8 and I don't have alot of memories from that time frame. Except anger and bitterness and frusteration. My sisters were my worst enemies and my parents did foster care for years and we always had kids coming and going. I felt sad that those kids had no one to love them. I remember thinking I hope they know how much we love them. But part of me wanted them to leave because they were part of why my parents weren't able to see that I was crying out ot them in anger to get them to pay attention to me. I was different. I was a bit slower because of being so sick as a child I was a late bloomer and often got made fun of for it and teased unmerciably for it. I was never allowed to play with my older sister/cousins and younger cousins felt I was to old so often times you would find me curled up under a table with my headphones and a blanket asleep or reading. I spent most of my time in the kitchen with the grown ups often times they didnt' even know I was there unless they looked. If the did I was ordered out. I have terrible memories of being teased by my older boy cousins. Once they held me under water because they knewI  I was afraid and thought it was funny. I am to this day still afraid of bein in the pool with alot of others. I was scared of Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory and the Ompalumpas and one time when all of us cousins were staying at my grammas house the 2 oldest boys waited until I almost asleep and then whispered the song in my ear. And snickering and laughing. I to this day refuse to let that movie in my house nor will I ever watch it. I almost have a panic attack because of it. I have no rememberence of the exact ages of these things except between the ages of 5-9. The hardest thing I have dealt with between these ages is being abused. I was abused by 3 different people in my childhood and I have blocked most of this time frame out I have been to couseling several times and never mentioned the abuse to anyone until 2011. I never got to be the kid I was supposed to be. I know that Jesus will seek justice on those 3 different individuals when their day comes. It's not for me to hold anger and resentment and punishment for any longer. I can not waste another day on them. When I was 12 years old my parents decided to get a seperation, My mom took my 2 baby sisters and moved to Oregon while I stayed with my dad and older sister. I hated being seperated even though I didn't get along with them. Eventually my parents got back together but then got divorced. When I was 15 my entire world collapsed when I got the news that one of my other best freinds I'd known my entire life our moms were pregnant together died in a tragic horse/firetruck accident. I will never forget that pain in my life. I should explain a little of that. Shasta and I were like oil and water but we loved each other deeply. For how often did you know someone your entire life go to the same church and were able to be friends despite constantly fighting, well that's because we were more like sisters then freinds. 3 days before we had gotten in a terrible fight over something that I now can't remember. I came home from school and I said "I wish she would just die, She is pissing me off" We made up and on Febuary 13th, of that year. She asked me to go on a horse ride with her, but I couldn't because my dad needed me to go home early to watch my sisters before basketball practice. I went home only to learn at basketball practice that Shasta had been killed in an accident. I will never get over the guilt I felt. I can't explain the pain, I felt like I died. I felt like I lost a part of me. I greived her death so hard. I don't remember much of the next week except that at the funeral I was unconsolable. I crawled into Jessica's dad's car and left and went to spend that week with her. I don't even remember getting there or being there just the pain and the hurt and crying. I ended up getting sick and had to come home I spent the next at home in my dad's bed crying and the pain never eased. Going to school and seeing my locker covered in her I'll miss you messages would bring me to my knees and knock the wind out of me. I ended up moving away the pain was to deep. I moved to hawaii with my mom. It was on the 1 year anniversary I was laying in my bed sobbing I missed her so much, I heard a noise and I turned around and there she was in al of her angel glory, I was so scared.. She didn't say anything to me. Just gave me a sense of peace that she was ok. I turned around and looked back and she was gone. I thought I was crazy I ran into my mom's room crying I knew I was nuts.  but that wasn't the first or last time I'd seen her. She would visit me in my dreams for years. I don't see her often now. Maybe in my darkest hours, But she is there with me I know it. I just don't need her to guide me as often. Hawaii is my healing place. It helped me heal in many ways. It is where I met Kevin who is still one of my best freinds almost 16 years later, It's where I met the love of my teenage life Al. It's where I gave Al my true virginity. It's where a man gave a gentle peice of himself he'll never admit to to a very scared and abused girl a chance to experience love, lust and sex together. I may have only been 16 but I knew more about sex then I would ever had admitted to because it would have made the abuse all the more real. I lived in hawaii for several years then my mom and her 2nd husband moved us to Montanta where I met the perfect guy, He became someone whom to this day I still admire and hope the best for. Ezra will forever be the healer of a wounded soul, See he was wounded too and together we were able to help heal a peice of each other no one else could but in the mean time we lost who were to each other and after years of freindship parted ways knowing we were both better people for having known each other. Moved back to Oregon in my Senior year of high school, I met many people, I made alot of good decisions and alot of horrible ones. The biggest and harded thing ever was getting over emy Homer (Al) . I cried over him for 2 years. I spent my senior year pining over him but I still had fun and graduated. After that I moved back to hawaii and within a few months I met the man who would change my life forever, freinds who would stand beside me and some who would give me the chance to see them for who they really were. I met Damon,Kit and Jamie. Through Damon I met his 2nd wife Christine. It's where I met Curtis who was my first after hs relationship, Whom through I met the love of my life. Brian. Brian is my kyrpinite. I am his always have been always will be. We can love each other but we are toxic to each other. but he gave me my daughter and I will forever be grateful to him. I also met the more livily fun loving me. I have so many stories between 16 and 19 in hawaii and Oregon I was not to bright sometimes and I the need for love and acceptence for who I was became at times very dangerous. I met several guys on several occasions that could have ended tragically for me. I was date raped at 18 by some idiot I met at a club, I got stranded on base when I was 16 by some other idiot and I got into a car full of black military guys to get off base. Could have been very bad ended up in my favor though, that car full of men knew who the guy was and ended up kicking his butt and then told his commading officer that he was out meeting with 16 year old girls. He got in big trouble and getting the crap beat out of him wasn't fun either.  I had 5 one night stands before I was 19. I was messed up and didn't even know why. Then  on November 5th right after my 19th birthday I realized I fell head over heals in love with Brian. I was dating his best friend Curtis at the time. Curtis and I ended our relationship and I immediately spent the rest of 2 years on adn off due to military and my work as an interpreter for the deaf on a different island with Brian. I would have married that man and spent my life with him. He was everything to me. On Feb 16th we concieved our beautiful daughter, just before he boarded a plane back to his family and I was staying. We decided to end our relationship because we didnt' see a long term long distance relationship working. 2 weeks to the day I called him saying I was pregnant. I know crazy right but I knew then. I was already throwing up and took a test and it said positive. He was excited and I was sick. I lived in hawaii until May then due to money issues I moved to Oregon. Where on November 5th 2002 I gave birth to our daughter Shasta (Dakota). I stayed in Oregon for a short time then moved to hawaii for a bit and then I moved both of us to Texas to be with Brian. In the years all my friends had faded in and out.

I will continue the story another time.. Be blessed and enjoy your life. Seek God first and everyone else 2nd.

Matt Hammitt, Without You, I love this song.

Blessed and feeling Jesus's Compassion

I am one lucky lady.. I was sitting here and in complete awe. How many people can say that they have known their closest and best friends all for over years. I have been friends with Jessica for 26 years, I have known Alyssa for 20years. I have known Kevin for 15 years, Christine for 10 years, And Lacy  for almost 7 years. These people are the backbone of my life. They are always there for me. They love me no matter what and they are the best people a girl could ask for. If Shasta was still here we would have been friends and I know without a doubt been friends for the longest 30 years. Our Moms were pregnant and knew each other and we were friends before birth. I feel extremely blessed and so lucky that Jesus gave me all these people at different times in my life to stand with me and be wonderful friends. I love you all. =). I feel that in all my struggles I have faced and have been set before me that Jesus knew my hardships would be a toll I could never stand on my own. So he gave me all the people, More included in my life have come and gone but these people have stayed true stand firm in their belief in me and my goals, disappointments and successes. I would be lost without their encouragement their strength or their love. I feel so utterly blessed to have them. I hope they all know they are loved and supported and have my strength as well. I firmly beleive that if it's given then it shall be returned. I try my hardest and even when I may not be as good at it as they are to return the favor of being their for them. So I honor Jesus in them and in my life because he gave them to me.

 

Psalm 103-104 I read both in full. I give Jesus my praise he is the Lord of God. He is so compassionate and loving and kind.

 

Song for the day Jonathan Thulin's We Sing Hallelujah. I love this song I own his CD. He's amazing I actually got to see him in Concert and Dakota's got his autograph when he played a concert with the band Press Play here in LV at our Church Canyon Ridge Christian Church.

New Challenge

This a little off the beaten track of my life story in the begining. But I wanted to share with you all the new challenge I decided to do with my mom and my sister T. We are doing a 10 week weight loss challenge. (Chris it's similar to the one you did that summer) I hope it helps me get back into the workout mode. I am tired of being tired and lazy and getting fatter everyday when I worked so hard to lose 120lbs. When I started that process in 2009 I weighed 298 lbs. I weighed in at 179 when I stopped running. I now weigh 226.8. I went from a size 24 to 14 and now I'm back to an 18.  I am ready to get back to running and being the happier version of me I was in that time. I am ready to encourage not just my spiritual being but my phyical one too., Since they are both a part of who I am. I have a strong sense I will find what I am feeling like I am lacking in myself if I work on both at the same time. SO Please keep me in your prayers as I get back into this journey. Thanks. I'll continue the age 4 to now asap. But for tonight I am going to bed. I plan on trying to get to bed before 11pm each night. Gnight and God Bless

A song for tonight Lifehouse~ Everything. I love this song knwoing that Jesus is my everything.

The Begining of Me

I have the thoughts of going back to the start of my life. To give you each a knowledge of who I am and where I come from and what makes me who I am.

I was born in September, When I first came out, my parents knew I would have CMV, it's a virus similar to a cold that everyone gets but when a pregnant woman get it's during her pregnancy it can have effects on the baby. I had a high probablity of being Deaf, Blind and having some brain injuries along with some other major problems. I was very sick with my liver as well, I ended up being allergic to protein so I was unable to digest any food. It stripped the lining of my intestines. They were able to test  and find out that I am all the way deaf in my right ear, and I have almost normal hearing in my left. ( I strongly beleive Jesus left that ear so I could hear music and worship him later in life). But I also wear glasses and have terrible sight but I am not blind by any means. I have some brain problems but nothing major, I tend to store things in the wrong place and when I go to retrevieve them I can't remember what I knew (example math problems I am terrible at). I also don't deal well in stressful situations. I tend to get overwhelmed easily and become very emotional and tend to overreact to different situations. When I was a kid I would lash out in anger and frusteration, Today as an adult I get emontional and cry alot easier instead of being angry. I grew up being the 2nd of 4 girls in a house that was devoted Mormons. My parents were married until I was 12. My parents did years of FosterCare and I had alot of siblings growing up. I was the hard child, I was the one who needed the most attention. I unforuntely was a target for bullies, abuse and other things because I was different then most. I fought those demons all my life. I finally was able to accept the past and deal with the reasons I was fighting for so long only recently, (that will follow when I get to that time period.) I never felt accepted until I met my soul mate at the age of 4. She is my best friend in the entire planet. We are still freinds 26 yrs later.  I know without a shadow of a doubt that Jesus gave her to me to help me through this thing we call life. Jessica and I lived acrossed the alley from each other. We knew and still do when the other one is hurting without even living near each other since we were 10.

I think I'll end there for tonight. Tomorrow we will continue from the age of 4. Thanks for reading.

Scripture for today.  Psalms 23:1-3
¹ The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
² He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
³ he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.

Song For Today Phil Wickham's At Your Name.. I saw him in Concert at my church in Portland he was amazing. I was still new to Solid Rock at that time and I fell even more in love with that church seeing Phil there.

Reprioritizing my life

It's been awhile since I have been on my Blogger, I have changed the name and the reasons behind my writing, I have been more focused on Facebook and the whole social media frenzy of constantly knowing what's going on in everyone else's lifes and not focusing on mine. I love to journal and write about my thoughts hopes dreams, my fears and my failures. It reminds me that I am only human, but that in doing so it also gives me hope of my faith in Jesus. So this will now be my path in my faith of getting ever closer to the Lord. Jesus desires my soul and my love and constant faith and growing closer in him in everything I do. I can be easily strayed by the fast pace world and the struggles I face in daily stresses. So this is going to be my way to release those struggles and joys in my daily journey to be near him.  I hope I am able help you in your walk with Jesus and you are able to help me in mine. Thanks =)