I am not invisible to the enemy I am just protected by Jesus

Lord God I thank you for all you do for me. I am incredibly blessed to be saved by you. You reassure me everyday that you are here. Even when the enemies are attacking me when I am feeling a bit vunerable you remind me I may be visable to them but I am protected by you. I never doubt even in my roughest days that you are there. Today is a reminder to me that things happen for a reason and even though I may not like them you are in control. So weither or not I get a new car, weither or not I am sick and tired. If the kids are being naughty and fighting and break an expensive bottle of marinade in the grocery store. If I get home and the toliet is overflowing. It just means I am living life. I am here and I am part of life. It doesn't mean that you have forsaken me. It means you are looking for me to lean on you more. To be thankful for you more to appreciate you and the life I live because of you more. If I lived a thousands more years I would never be able to repay the love and graditude I have for you. Today was not a fun day for myself or my sister or her husband, We are thankful and blessed to have each other to support when things get a lil hairraising and stressful. I am lucky I get to live around the corner from them and get to help them when they needed it. Jesus thank you for your love protection and kindness. Thank you for family and friends and loved ones. I am so humbled that you are here to watch us and keep us safe within your arms. I ask that you continue to teach us and help us learn to be more like you. We love you an praise you in your name AMEN

Off to bed, I am exausted by this day. take care.

Old Friends, New places, New lives New faith

I am so excited. I bought my tickets tonight to go visit an old friend, See our relationship started because of 2 people who decided to get married. I was freinds with the Wife. Whom despite her many faults introduced me to her husband, He became my big brother. When things were rough with the marriage I was there to help take care of his precious baby girl, because his wife was not. See he was a military man and did what he could to provide for his family. I became their nanny. I loved being there to help raise that baby. Then They decided to split up. Thank goodness.... Even though I came with her as my friend, I left with him because he was now my brother. During the time they were seperated and getting a divorce, I met and fell in love with Brian so I wasn't around quite as much. Also during this time my big brother met a woman. he invited her out to our home in Hawaii and it was the begining of a love and marriage for them with 2 more kids to follow, For me it was a friendship ever so slightly rough but it was because of both our uncertainties regarding this man and his child, soon to realize that we were no threat to them or each other we became friends. Through our struggles our friendship has gotten stronger,  Lost it's way several times and has taken long stretches of seperation. But in the end, the one thing that has always remained is our love for each other. We are still friends, I beleive that in order for us to be the better versions of  our friendship, We both seperately had to find Jesus and heal our wounds of life to be better sisters and friends. I am so excited because this is the first time in 9 years I will get to see them. To spend a weekend with them. To love on their babies and to be in the comfort of my brother whom I have missed terribly. We may not be blood related but he will always be my brother. So as we all have new jobs new lives and new faiths in Jesus and in our lives as we live them. It will be good to see how we interact and how we can become that much closer as a family. So tonight, I thank Jesus that I am able to go see them, To spend the time in the word with Chris and to get to see her baptisted in Jesus's house. To know she is saved and truly a child of God, Jesus is with her and she knows it now. So I can't wait to be there crying my eyes out to know the truth of Jesus is  and will forever be within her. Alright let these next 2 weeks go by quick. sweet..

I love that following Jesus comes with the guarntee that He loves me

So I have been on this journey in following what Jesus has asked of me in Prayer. I prayed for a chance and he told me to come to Vegas, Even though to be honest this place was never in my plans. So I said I would come it happened in a matter of weeks, I prayed about a job and Jesus says take what you feel in your heart and be patient for the career. So I find a nanny job decide it's awesome money but I wouldn't fit their family so I pray and he tells me to stick with my gut. So I turned it down without consulting anyone. In the meantime I apply at many other places and familes and one being the school district here for an ASl job. So a family contacts me on one of the find a Nanny sites. I met them, I fell in love with their family and have been there ever since. I have been praying for the school job and still he tells me to continue to work on it but be patient. I have listened and I know he will not fail me. So today I get a letter in the mail saying I have been APPROVED. Wahooo.. Now on to the right school I know that with his help I will pray and he will help me find the perfect school the perfect area and the perfect place for us to live. I will be patient and know it will happen in his time, For now I am so thankful for the blessings of a house to live in to have a job and to be able to buy a new to me car. Things have never looked brighter I am FINALLY getting ahead and I know it's because of Jesus and my utter and complete faith in him and his will, It's not as if I won't face hard times in life, but I know that in those moments my faith will be ever stronger in him because of leaning on him in this time of need. He has blessed me and I feel so incredibly lucky to be his child, I am so thankful, I am not blind and mislead and following a false sense of who he really is. Jesus is my savior and my life is complete in him.

I am so proud of myself, I am learning to stand on my own feet finacially. I am trying to figure out how to get myself out of debt and to live within my means I want to find freedom in being able live every month in comfort and know I can do that only through Christ, I want to stand beside him and know he will be proud of me.

I have alot of work to do. I need to be more forthcoming and straight forward about his mission in bringing people to the truth. I need to be louder about my faith. I need to let go of somethings that hold me back from being more like him. I love that everyday I can change and be a better person more like Christ.

The peace and contentment in moments like these are rare and treasured, I am feeling blessed today because I dont' have alot of drama in life when I focus on Jesus instead of the world. The world is fast pace choatic and nuts. I want a softer fuller life with Jesus in slower Jesus filled world. That is my hope.

Changes

So I ran 11 miles the other day and just about died while doing it. I don't know what overcame me to think I could do Red Rock Canyon without prepping first. I am insane sometimes I don't think rationally about stuff like that. But I learned 3 big lessons. 1. I am not a trail runner. 2. I hate hills with switchbacks 3. Unlike Oregon, I must drink LOTS AND LOTS more water before during and after my runs here. But I finished then entire 11 miles. I have sucked at food this week. I'm trying but I am so busy and so tired when I come home from taking care of the Nanny kids I just want to relax. This month I have more days off so that means more running days. I am going to try and get in at least 10-15 miles every week for the next 4 weeks and then increase to 30 slowly, I know I can I did it before, I enjoy running. It makes me feel lighter in spirit, It gives me the alone time I need with the lord without interruptions. But I am learning that different climates require different styles of nutrition and appropriate fueling. I  miss my days of eating better and being able to run out my stresses. I was much more relaxed and able to fuction better. I think I am going to really really pray about CrossFit. I want to join but it's alot of money and the times of classes don't really go with my work schedule currently. I just want to get at a healthy weight. I want to give my daughter the courage to change for herself and also the knowledge that I will be here for a very long time.

Speaking of my daughter, She's been struggling a bit with her emotions lately. I know it has to be hard on her as her body is changing and so is her hormones. And she hates that I work so many hours. But I hope someday she realizes I did it for her and the ability to have a home for her. That she'd have clothes and food in belly and often times even when I dont' have alot of time or energy for her I feel terribly guilty about it. But I'd rather work and have a home then not work and live within our car just so she can see me a couple hours more each day. That may sound harsh but I know when she grows up she'll see the choices I made as a mom to put her 1st will show her my love. I just hope she sees that even when it's hard that we are the lucky ones because we have Jesus. He is our father and our protector when we are just 2 instead of 3. I pray that every night. That she will not feel like she is missing something and feels broken in her life.

I know what it's like to feel broken and that part of me is missing. That is was taken from me. I still at 30 yrs old struggle with that. I don't wish that for my baby ever. I wish her happiness and love and marriage and most importantly I HOPE SHE SEES THE JOY IN JESUS. That he is her 1st her middle and her last love.

Vegas is amazing. I love the weather here I love that I wake up and it's clear and blue even when it's cold in the mornings. That I get to spend each day in warmth. I miss my Oregon moisture though for sure. I miss my Nan's house. It was seriously the only permentant home I've known since I was 18. I miss the rain at times. The moods that brought on crockpot meals and family game night by the rain outside.

But I am so grateful and feel so blessed to be here in Vegas where life has been full and blessed in many ways. I am finished with round 3 of the school job I am applying for. I have 2 more rounds to go. I hope that I can find a school close to where we are now but if I can't I am ok with where ever Jesus sends us. And if we have to move to Boulder City then that is where we'll be. I will never defy my God. He has LED me here and I walk in COMPLETE FAITH in HIM. Jesus can heal you and bring you joy if you allow him to..

I am going running tomorrow a short run probably 3-5 miles. I need to get back to the short distances first. So wish me luck in feeling better then ever.

Song Mighty Breath of God by Jesus Culture.

Hmmn.. Thinking complex thoughts this morning.

How is it possible that you take my breath away? It has been 15 years since I've seen you. This morning a picture of you crossed my facebook page and I almost forgot to breath, It's been 5 years since we last spoke. I wish I knew you were ok. I wish I didn't know that the Army had changed you forever. That the person I loved most of my teenage life was still there. We live not even 6 hours from each other. How I would love to see you to spend time with you. To tell you that I pray for you every day. How I made many mistakes one of them being that I let you go that day without telling you no matter how mad we made each other I loved you. You could always count on me. I hope your life has been blessed. I hope you know you are so worth any of your dreams. I will die with the memories and dreams of you. Besides you hold the key to so many things. It's amazing how one person can effect the life of another for all of time. You can be arrogant and rude and evasive but I know that's a front for the man who wants to be loved and to know he is the hero he most definately he is. That day when we raided Fallujah I think my heart broke into a million pieces knowing you where there. I couldn't breath and then when I didn't hear from you for awhile afterwards I prayed and cried that you were ok, The day you called to tell me you were fine. I think I had finally breathed for the first time since that inital attack, When I asked you what kept you from calling you begrudingly admitted to me you had been shot twice, I know my heart fell out of my chest. I cried and you asked me why I was crying and I told you because no matter what life has carved out for us I would ALWAYS care and part of my heart belonged to you. Your brasin attidude towards me and the possiveness then scared me and made me feel both beautiful and it made me feel ugly, I am sorry I said those disrespectful things that day. I am a different person now. I am not the same naive little girl you met all those years ago and spend that sacred night with. I want to see that man who was so gentle and sweet and enduring. Who took a scared abused little girl and treated her with a kindness and gentleness, I wish I could tell you I am sorry I lied to you about why I was crying in that moment, I was not crying because I was scared of you. I was crying because I was so scarred from being abused as a small child and into my childhood you took part of that pain and you healed it. I sometimes wish I could walk into those big strong arms of yours and not take them for granted. You are not perfect but you have your moments of them.

I hope life is treating you fairly and your able to love and be loved. I pray for your son and what a man he must be now. I know that you haven't seen him in many years but I'm sure your so proud of him, I am so proud of you. You did the right thing. Be happy and be blessed. I think I will always think of when I see a picture of you that my heart will stop and it will take my breath away. You are beautiful and your bravery are worn on your face. It's something I hope others see in you too. You will always be my Homer, I miss that.

Process of Grief

I often forget Grief is forever, It comes and goes as it pleases. It doesn't discriminate and it doesn't care. I went to church on Sunday and it was AMAZING!! Man how I miss the worship and fellowship with others even though to be quite honest and frank, I don't know anyone on a name basis. But the connection you feel when you are surround by people who know the truth of Jesus is UNDENIBLE. But I also watched a sermon from my old church in Portland, One of the stories he talked about was when Lazerus dies. How even know Jesus knew he still wept, he was still burdened with the loss of his friend someone he loved and cared emensly for. I thought of that today, as I was watching a show at work while the kids were asleep, I suddenly became stricken, I started bawling for my friend Shasta, She would have turned 30 a couple weeks ago. I sat there with tears staining my cheeks, wondering What she would have looked like, She was so beautiful as a young lady. I am almost certain she would have been stunning. What would she have done with her life. Would she have gone to our friends wedding this coming October and celebrated with us. I felt an overwhelming need to Hug her. I mean reach out and hug her. Tell her I loved her and I miss her everyday. As I sat there feeling lost for awhile, I felt something touch my shoulder, I turned around and there was no one there, but I know it was her telling me she's still there. Even though I havent' needed her for awhile she's still there. I should have felt better, but I have this sense of need for her growing in my depth. So instead I pray to Jesus and ask him to help me loosen the depth of my grief. To greieve with me and to hold me but let me go when the time is right and this feeling of as it just happened passes. It will be 16 years this coming Feb 13th, She will now be gone 1/2 of my life. I forget in the daily rush of life that emotions and traumas are still present. But Jesus holds me so I know not to fear them when they come, He will protect me and he will help me be ABLE to do anything including conquering Grief when it comes and goes.

John 11,12 both chapters talk about Jesus and his compassion and love.

Song is Need To Breathe's ABLE. It's an awesome song. So blessed I loved Needtobreathe they are an amazing band. =)

Have a great Wendnesday May the lord bless you during your day and may you know it is him who helps you and heals you.

Quietness

Most days I love the noise of children  laughing talking playing and just being who they are. The joy that they bring to life. They have a way of getting you to see the world in often times silly, naive playful ways. I love it. I often don't live in that world. I live in a world that is hard harsh and often times disappointing. But then I remember that Jesus saw the joys laughter and love often times the way children do. The simplistity of who we are as humans. I long for days like today when I get to sit in the quietness and do what I can to fill my day with tasks of life that get neglected while I am working long days and spending the rest of the time with my family. The quietness reminds me how peaceful life with Jesus is and how lucky I am while their is a storm brewing outside I can be here safe and warm. I can know that just as I am safe in my house I am safe in Jesus. His arms are like my house solid. It holds away the darkness and uglieness of the world outside. It's a shame we often get sucked up into the constant speed of life and forget to take a day or two to remember the quietness and the softeness it can bring into your hardened days of  fast pace busyness of trying to fullfill dreams and desires. I think if we all remembered to just take a second to breath we might all get the truth of Jesus. How often do any of us really really sit back and fully take in his sacrifices, his pain his hurt his love his generousity his grace. I doubt very many people do. I know when I think of him and all that's he's done for me the love and the anguish in my heart is more then I as a human being can possibly imagine. So I take days like today where I have nothing on tv, music, cell phone and just sit in the quietness of my house doing what I need to do to get things done to make a better home and more peaceful place for us to know we serve Jesus alone. Then that is what I am going to do all day. It will be me closer to who God has called me to be. A follower of Jesus.

Psalms 42, I love this chapter, My pastor from Solid Rock in Oregon is doing his sermons on this chapter right now and it also goes in tow with his first book coming out soon. I am so proud of him and excited for him to be sharing in truth with Jesus and what it was life to be human suffering.

No song today instead listen to the words that he whispers to you in the quietness.