Changes

So I ran 11 miles the other day and just about died while doing it. I don't know what overcame me to think I could do Red Rock Canyon without prepping first. I am insane sometimes I don't think rationally about stuff like that. But I learned 3 big lessons. 1. I am not a trail runner. 2. I hate hills with switchbacks 3. Unlike Oregon, I must drink LOTS AND LOTS more water before during and after my runs here. But I finished then entire 11 miles. I have sucked at food this week. I'm trying but I am so busy and so tired when I come home from taking care of the Nanny kids I just want to relax. This month I have more days off so that means more running days. I am going to try and get in at least 10-15 miles every week for the next 4 weeks and then increase to 30 slowly, I know I can I did it before, I enjoy running. It makes me feel lighter in spirit, It gives me the alone time I need with the lord without interruptions. But I am learning that different climates require different styles of nutrition and appropriate fueling. I  miss my days of eating better and being able to run out my stresses. I was much more relaxed and able to fuction better. I think I am going to really really pray about CrossFit. I want to join but it's alot of money and the times of classes don't really go with my work schedule currently. I just want to get at a healthy weight. I want to give my daughter the courage to change for herself and also the knowledge that I will be here for a very long time.

Speaking of my daughter, She's been struggling a bit with her emotions lately. I know it has to be hard on her as her body is changing and so is her hormones. And she hates that I work so many hours. But I hope someday she realizes I did it for her and the ability to have a home for her. That she'd have clothes and food in belly and often times even when I dont' have alot of time or energy for her I feel terribly guilty about it. But I'd rather work and have a home then not work and live within our car just so she can see me a couple hours more each day. That may sound harsh but I know when she grows up she'll see the choices I made as a mom to put her 1st will show her my love. I just hope she sees that even when it's hard that we are the lucky ones because we have Jesus. He is our father and our protector when we are just 2 instead of 3. I pray that every night. That she will not feel like she is missing something and feels broken in her life.

I know what it's like to feel broken and that part of me is missing. That is was taken from me. I still at 30 yrs old struggle with that. I don't wish that for my baby ever. I wish her happiness and love and marriage and most importantly I HOPE SHE SEES THE JOY IN JESUS. That he is her 1st her middle and her last love.

Vegas is amazing. I love the weather here I love that I wake up and it's clear and blue even when it's cold in the mornings. That I get to spend each day in warmth. I miss my Oregon moisture though for sure. I miss my Nan's house. It was seriously the only permentant home I've known since I was 18. I miss the rain at times. The moods that brought on crockpot meals and family game night by the rain outside.

But I am so grateful and feel so blessed to be here in Vegas where life has been full and blessed in many ways. I am finished with round 3 of the school job I am applying for. I have 2 more rounds to go. I hope that I can find a school close to where we are now but if I can't I am ok with where ever Jesus sends us. And if we have to move to Boulder City then that is where we'll be. I will never defy my God. He has LED me here and I walk in COMPLETE FAITH in HIM. Jesus can heal you and bring you joy if you allow him to..

I am going running tomorrow a short run probably 3-5 miles. I need to get back to the short distances first. So wish me luck in feeling better then ever.

Song Mighty Breath of God by Jesus Culture.